Raising a man & two...

Empathy

2011-11-24T04:43:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning carrying Bella and while she sleeps on my shoulder, I decided to browse Facebook on my nook. A friend of mine (not very close one), wrote this on her status:" Just my luck. Seating behind a kid with ADD symptoms."Mummy, I say put on your seat belt." 10 times already and the plane still hasn't started. Fun.""

Empathy is not in everyone indeed. I am now thinking if I should just delete this 'friend' from my FB. I just cannot deal with people, much less a friend, who has such lowly thoughts. I am not an angel but I am a mother. I feel a sudden rush of sadness for the boy's mother. I can picture her sitting in the plane, holding on to her son, probably praying the whole time for the trip to quickly end. She must be uncomfortable or probably gotten used to, people's stares and their piercing eyes. I feel horrible for her. I wish I could be there to give her a smile and stare back at anyone who dares to say anything to her or her son. It makes me so angry that a friend of mine actually thought that.

I started to write and erased a dozen comments on her status. Finally, with empathy that I don't want her friends to read what I think of her, I decided to just write:" Be nice :(" No point saying something nasty or correcting her. I am not her mother nor am I her teacher. Though I am sure what comes around goes around so she will one day realise that we need empathy in this world we live in.

The mom on the plane, she has a gift indeed. She must be very special to receive a child who is different from the rest of us. I always feel that parents who has children who has disability are more special that the rest of us. Because God knows that they can do it.

I feel sad and overwhelmed that in this day and age, my modern 'friends' still has such shallow thoughts. I guess I always picture everyone to have sympathy for each other but I guess it's probably just my illusion.
I have 3 kids. My twin girls are below the age of 2 and with my sister's impending wedding coming up, we will have to make a trip back home in a couple of months. I am now full of anxiety because I know I cannot totally control how my little toddlers will behave on board. I will try my very best to prepare for it but I think the rest of the trip will really have to depend on prayers.

How thoughtless one can be to make others feel such pain and anxiety. I wish for her to one day have her own children and finally flip the coin to see the face on the other side.

I have a list...a list of things I want to do when the kids grow up.

2011-08-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

When days get hard and exhausting. When I feel slumped by routine. When I get bored of my everyday business. When there's simply not enough time in a day. I start to mentally list down the things I want to do when the kids grow up. Here are some of it...

I want to spend all day crocheting.
I want to bake a really good cake. Decorate it and eat it all.
I want to enjoy a good steak with my hubby and sip some good red wine with it.
I want to read all the good books that I am missing right now.
I want to cook a lot a lot of food and give them to my friends.
I want to take a nap every other day just so I can.
I want to go to DisneyWorld again and also Hogwarts.
I want to take a road trip around the US with my hubby and all 3 kids.
I want to eat in a restaurant and not worry about feeding the kids.
I want to bring our entire family to Phuket, Bali, Krabi, Bangkok etc etc.
I want to visit Russia one day.
I want to go London and Barcelona again and this time with just my hubby.
I want to go on a Disney Cruise and a Nickelodeon cruise.
I want to go for facials every month.
I want to watch all the movies that I love just one more time.
I want to start planting and have my own vegetable garden.
I want to eat good Kalbi and drink sake too.
I want to watch Korean series all day and night just so I can.
I want to just laze by the beach and watch the seagulls circling above us...

My list goes on and on...

Frustration only makes it worse...

2011-08-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. It's been an exhausting last 10 months. I haven't slept through the night, read a book, ate in peace, etc etc. Most days I feel too busy to be thinking how busy I am but one or two days a month (especially when you-know-what is round the corner), I get really frustrated when things don't go my way as I envisioned in my mind. Well, namely, baby girls waking up throughout the night for no apparent reason apart from wanting hugs and a change of diaper (I swear it's not even that wet!!)

Last night was one of those terrible nights. Bella refused to sleep till past 2am, only sleeping in my arms. I don't mind carrying her but she won't let me sit down or lay back...I have to be standing up, carrying her on my left arm and guess what...swaying too. It drives me nuts! At such ungodly hours!! It's ridiculously pampered! My back was killing me and I decided to have a head-on 'fight' with her...and what does she do?! She wails!!!!!!!! Like crazy as soon as I sit down. It was a tiring night. And no, I did not win the 'fight'.

Sky, on the other hand, kept being awaken by Bella's constant wailing. She's a daddy's girl so even when we tried to swap babies, she won't come to me as soon as she hears or smells her dad. Well, at least Bella is mummy's girl...same way as Sky, she won't go to daddy once she sees me.

Bella woke up at 6am this morning, had her milk and went back to lala land. I just felt too traumatized to back to the room and sleep. I need to calm my mind before the rest of the day begins. I need this time to blog a little, facebook some, listen to some music to clear my frustrated mind. Right now the song that's on my mind is 'Pumped up kicks' by Foster the People. For some reason, it really gets me swaying...so, how was your day yesterday?

Fast approaching...Birthdays!

2011-08-06T05:20:00.000-07:00

October has always been our family's favorite month and now, it is not just the most favorite month but the busiest! Apart from me, everyone has their birthday in October. Yup. Albie, Little Man and both the girls are all born in that month. This year especially will be a milestone birthday year. Little Man is turning 10! Yes...he's not that little anymore and Sky and Belle will be celebrating their 1st birthday. As for Albie, I don't think he even wants to celebrate it anymore...he wants to remain forever 29. Hahaha!

I am not sure yet what I want to do this year...hmmmm....and with Halloween and pumpkin picking too, I am so excited!!! October come soon!!! I have enough of this heat!!

Twins are a lot of work

2011-08-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

When I say twins are a lot of work, I mean A LOT of work. I have no time for anything, much less blogging which it's one of my favorite de-stress outlet. Both girls are now almost 10 months old!! Yay!! They are crawling, standing and super duper curious about everything. Everything. Period.

Little Man is on summer vacation which makes it even more busy at home. When the girls take their nap, it's Little Man's turn for some love. He's been grumpy about having me having no time for him. I don't blame him...I feel really bad too. I told Albie to take some days off so we can take turn to spend some quality time with him. I try to arrange as many playdates and fun trips in between to keep him busy and exhausted so his little brain will have no chance of roaming lonely thoughts. Too much free time is not good for a 9 year old.

I got Little Man started on Harry Potter so that's his summer reading list this year. I'm waiting for him to catch the Potter bug so we can go to Harry Potter theme park and drink butterbeer!! Can't wait!

Positive thinking begets positive actions

2011-05-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

Both Albie and I have been feeling really washed ashore lately. Mainly from lack of sleep. He was losing his positive vibe which I was always able to count on till recently. That's when I realised that my man really needs his beauty rest. I took matters into my own hand and decided enough was enough. I decided to sleep-train that little monster of a babe of ours...Sky. I sat us both down in front of my lappy and with the 2 babies crying non-stop in the background, we came up with a daily feeding/sleeping schedule.

Suddenly, my mind started to be clearer and I could actually feel both the babies being more calm too. It's been a week into our sleep training for Sky and some days we win some and other days, we lost and had to pick her up. But we are not about to give in and go back into our hold-her-till-she-sleeps days. We are so done with that. For the past 3 nights, we actually had some family time with Little Man after 7:45pm. It was amazing! The first night, we were all shocked with relief so we didn't do much. The second night was still kinda unsure but now, we are taking out our board games once again and having a laugh. I can tell Little Man is a much happier kid. He really misses his time with us and I do feel bad about it.

Now we got the going-to-sleep-ruckus all set up, the only problem which is still huge is Sky staying asleep through the night. That is something for another day...time to let my fried brain rest.

Going home...vacation?!

2011-05-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

Once I made up my mind that I should make a trip back this summer, logistics came to play and it's not a happy one. Milk, luggage, plane ride, packing, sleeping arrangements etc etc. Those stuff just kept playing in my mind over and over like a tune that just got stuck.

I'm happy to go home after 5 years away but at the same time, it's a logistic nightmare to bring 3 kids halfway across the globe. It also doesn't help that the plane tickets are crazy expensive. It will cost us almost US$7k to travel back. I have a lot of plans for that 7k. But I think it's time to go home. I have no idea why I didn't go back when I had only 1 kid. Now I have 3 and I wanna go home. Man! I'm crazy!

Oh well, I am sure something will pan out. They always do.

7 months later today

2011-05-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

Today marks my baby girls' 7 month on planet earth. I was so exhausted yesterday cos' both the girls didn't take their afternoon naps so when Albert came home around 7:30pm, I declared extreme exhaustion and just fell asleep on my couch. Not sure if it's the same for everyone but when I'm super tired, I have trouble falling into deep sleep. I laid on my couch, not moving, eyes closed but not sleeping. My whole body refuses to move. I hadn't taken my shower and I hadn't prepared or had dinner. Thankfully, I had bought 2 slices of mushroom and cheese pizzas for Little Man so he had that for dinner. Poor Albie didn't eat his dinner till almost 10pm and he had instant noodles. I felt really bad but I couldn't do anything. My mind drifted in and out of sleep for many hours till finally, I forced myself to get up and slumped onto my bed. I think after a couple of minutes, I finally dozed off into lala land. When I woke up this morning, it was almost 6pm which was awesome. Thankfully, the girls slept and only woke up once to feed around midnight.

It's really funny that in all these exhaustion, I still manage to find bliss. Seeing their little faces lit up when I smile at them still makes me feel like a really lucky mom. But, I sense myself breaking down emotionally. I am really fearful that I may get postpartum blues. I feel it coming and am trying hard to keep myself active and happy. I already warned my hubby and we are now making plans for me to travel back home so I have my parents and sisters who can help out with the babies. I am not even sure if it's just a vacation or perhaps, we may just move back home for good. It's a big dilemma. One that we have to really consider carefully.

7 months later....random thoughts

2011-05-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

My baby girls are turning 7 months tomorrow...wow...how did we get so far so quickly? Then again, if you ask me, I kinda wish it will go faster each day just so I can get more sleep. I can't wait for them to be all bigger and walking just so I can stop lifting weights every day.
Big brother is doing great so far though I can tell he's missing being an only child. Now he is the Older child.
Both baby girls have both their bottom teeth now.
Started girls on solids. Mainly oats, apple sauce and banana. They are loving it but feeding them solids also means more work for mummy.
It's really hard to get Sky to sleep. Bella on the other hand is really good. She just needs her pacifier, sea music and she goes right to dreamland. Sky is really hard to train. Not fun having a crying baby in the night.
Making plans to go back to home. Not sure if it's for good but we are thinking about it.
I miss the easy life back home where everything and everywhere is so accessible. I really miss the fact that I will never need to cook when I do get back. Bliss.

Random thoughts - Day 2

2011-04-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well, today is a Saturday and I have more help around the house with Albie and Little Man both home.
Today Little Man caught a cold. He's starting to cough too. Hmmm...probably got it from his sisters.
I am thinking of Micky D's sweet tea today for some reason.
Had too many cups of coffee today...couldn't resist. Darn.
Need to work out...don't know when.
Have to take a shower...pronto...

Some random thoughts

2011-04-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and I really wanted to go to a yoga class at the gym. Checked their schedule and realised that there's no yoga class on Friday evenings.Bummer.
Changed way too many diapers this morning. Back is aching. Babies really do a lot of poopies.
Thinking if I should enter Bella in baby contest on some parenting magazine. Sky smiles a lot but she's shy and gets really upset with new environment and strangers. Bella, on the other hand, is a lot more social but she has temper issues....hmmm...maybe I shouldn't bother. Too much work.
Have to find a way to get my babies to sleep more.
Am I drinking too much coffee?
Little Man asked me the other day what is my favorite food. I am clueless. Seriously, I don't think I have any one particular dish that I die for.
I'm thinking if I should make a promise to live in the same house for the rest of my life just so I can dig a hole in my backyard and put a memory time capsule for my children. Also, I can make growth markings on the wall to see how much my children has grown.
I wonder if there's a reason for us to all work so hard and have so little time for play. I wish everyone can work 4 days a week instead of 5. Where do we find time for ourselves?
I am turning 35 in a couple of days. I call it mid-thirties but Little Man thinks I am middle-aged. That's alot difference dude! He probably thinks we are really old...
I just realised that when I turn 40, my baby girls will only be 6...oh man...
I wonder if I should make a resolution to get my degree by age 40. The last attempt was before 30...well, that didn't work out very well.
I miss reading books. Easy and meaningful stories that inspire my soul. I like books written by Mitch Albom.
I am going to start a family journal...
Little Man came home today and the first thing he said was he wants to play Wii. I think during my childhood days, the first thing I want to do when it's the weekend is to play at the playground or ride my bicycle...what a difference.
I miss the times when I could just take my bicycle and ride somewhere. Anywhere.
I realized that when babies are asleep, the time goes too quickly. When they are awake, it's never fast enough.
Today I am going to bake seasoned chicken thighs at 350 degrees for 45mins.
I really need to go for a manicure/pedicure session. I feel more ladylike when I have pretty nails.
Whenever I try to nap in the afternoon, one baby usually wakes up...
Frozen pasta meals are really really good.
Frozen vegetables are healthy.
I also realised that I have too much on my mind...

Infertility is a cruel thing.

2011-04-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

To begin, we are very very fortunate to have infertility treatment as part of our insurance coverage. I know many doesn't. However, because our insurance coverage is only enough for 1 treatment, we delayed the process for a really long time. After 2 years of deliberation, we decided to do it. Taking the leap was not easy. What IF is always on my mind. What IF the only one chance failed on us? To be given hope that might eventually be taken away brings fear and lots of stress. This video reminded me so much of all the thoughts that went through my mind during our struggle to conceive. All the What IFs were all so familiar.

We are so thankful that our one chance worked and we are blessed with not just one bundle of joy but two. Looking at the two of them now as I blog makes all the needles and pain seem so worth it.

My wish to all out there who are still waiting for their delivery is to not lose hope. My wish too is that one day, infertility treatment will be affordable to all and be part of the insurance coverage. My final wish and probably the most important one of all is for you to not lose yourselves in the process of wanting a baby. Do not let it destroy your marriage and do not let infertility define who you are and what a family should be.

http://vimeo.com/hannahweptsarahlaughed/whatif

Spring is coming...yay?

2011-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

I do love warmer days especially when this past winter has been so awfully long. You know it's bad when you still see snow during the first week of Spring. However, I have a love-hate relationship with Spring. Spring brings along lots of pollen you see and I have severe allergies. Well, Little Man too. Oak, Maple, Cypress...you name it, we are probably allergic to them all. Albie, on the other hand, doesn't have it so bad. Maybe it's because he's off to work in the city early in the morning, stays in his office the whole day till the end of the day and when he gets back, the pollens are already done for the day. I really hope my two little munchkins won't have it bad....

1st vacation with all 3 kids - Six Flags Great Escape Lodge

2011-04-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

Our twin baby girls are now 2 days shy of being 6 months. Albie and I are both in disbelief. A lot of what happened in the last year and half seem like a blur to us but one thing for sure is this...we are EXHAUSTED. Between Little Man, the girls, school, feeding, changing diapers and making dinner etc etc, we are physically at our lowest peak. Having said that, we are happy too. Our family is now complete. A huge burden has fallen off my shoulders in a strange way.

As if we are not exhausted enough, we decided to test our physical boundaries by taking a 3hr (5hr really for us cos' we stop alot) road trip to upstate New York. Saratoga Springs, Lake George to be exact. We wanted Little Man to have some fun after all these months of being such a great big brother. It's our little reward for him. We chose an indoor water park hotel owned by Six Flags. It called the Great Escape Lodge. The concept is very similar to Great Wolf Lodge in Poconos which we brought Little Man there 2 years ago. We didn't want to go to the same place again so we decided to travel (crazy us!) 5 hrs to this other lodge.

Our baby girls got their first dip in their strawberry swimsuit and Little Man had his fun share of the crazy swirls and rides with his dad. It was a short 3 days 2 night stay but we all had fun. Exhausted but fun. When it comes to waterparks, 3 days 2 nights is really long cos' water fun makes you really tired. The hotel staff were really nice and overall, I must say, it was a really really pleasant trip. No too much fun for me cos' the spa was under renovation...:( but this trip is really for Little Man so as long as he had a blast, we are happy.

Introducing Sky and Belle

2011-04-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

This is my 1st precious twin, Skylar. (I call her Sky, Sky sky, Cheeky sky, skippy sky, pretty sky etc etc ...among many other nicknames) She is the smaller of the two even though she's the big sister.

(3mins apart)

And this is my cheeky baby, Isabella (I call her Belle, Bella, Tinker, Tinkerbelle, cheeky belle...among other nicknames). This one is real feisty I tell ya!

I am so thankful that Little Man is such a great brother who loves his baby sisters to bits. I cannot ask for more blessings. I'm still very amazed at how many children I now have...a friend told me...I will get used to the idea soon enough...lol!

Almost almost there...

2010-10-06T06:12:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks my 35th week of pregnancy. Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far so I am extremely thankful for each and every day that I pass. Starting 2 weeks ago, I have started my weekly check-ups with both the hospital and also with my gynae. With each visit, I get more comfort knowing that both my girls are doing well and at the end of each visit, I will leave hoping that I will still get to go there again next week. My secret wish is to give birth to the girls at 38 weeks.

I have yet to pack the hospital bag and also Little Man's overnight bag (in case he needs to go to a friend's house during my delivery). Somehow, it seems almost like a reluctance on my end to pack the bags because it translates to an early delivery for me. It's like it's the last preparation and if I really did it, the babies will come. I know...it's weird. Then again, I always feel that Albie can get those stuff when I am in the hospital anyway.

I am very thankful that both my babies are in head down positions which means I can give vaginal birth a chance. I do understand that there will still be a possibility that I might have a difficult labor and still have to go through a C-section. Now, that's something I cannot worry about. Those moments in labor will be in God's hands and He shall oversee what's best for us. It's not something that I can worry away.

Almost there...

2010-09-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

Finally, it seems I am really almost there. Perhaps any day now, my baby girls will come but of course, I do wish that they will stay put till 38 weeks or let's not be too over-ambitious, I will be content with 37 weeks too.

Am I prepared? In terms of our nest, yes. In terms of everything else, it's really hard to say that I am ready. Once the twins arrive, our lives will be completely changed. I don't mean it in an awful way but just a matter of fact reality way. I pray for happy and joyous changes. I pray for healthy babies and I pray for my Big and Little Men. I pray that they will cope well and cope with happiness and joy.

Awake again...this time hunger strikes...

2010-09-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's now 1:57am. I have tried forcing myself to sleep since waking up at 1:30am but to no avail. My baby girls are hungry and all I could see in my mind is a bowl of cocoa puff cereal with milk. So here I am, just finished with my cereal and typing away, waiting for my food to settle before going back to sleep.

I really need some good rest cos' 2 close friends of mine are coming to visit and stay with us for the next 5 days. I'm really happy they are coming cos' I haven't seen them for almost 4 years! It will be great to catch up again.

So, Little Man has decided that he doesn't want to trick-a-treat this year. He doesn't even want to get a costume he says. All he wants for Halloween which is also his birthday is a $100 gift card from Target. My Little Man is really not that little anymore....oh well, I guess it works out for us too cos' by his birthday, I may already have delivered the twins and we wouldn't be able to trick-a-treat with him anyway.

I am now in my 30 weeks of pregnancy. What a milestone seeing that 3 weeks ago, we were panicking with the bedrest and all. I do feel more energetic these days. Not sure why. Perhaps it's the 'nesting' urge that I have right now that is making my body work harder. All I want to do is get my house cleaned and ready for the girls. Since 2 weekends ago, my 'nest-cleaning' started and I'm pretty happy with the results so far. I managed to remove a tonne of junk and old stuff. I also cleared all of Little Man's unused toys and outgrowned clothes. Bit by bit, every room was given a make-over and I feel a sense of calmness each time a part of the house is cleaned up.

Hopefully, my girls will stay inside for another good 6-7 weeks and also I really really hope they will move into the right birthing position so I can deliver them naturally.

7 weeks 3 days to safety zone

2010-08-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

I am aiming for 36 weeks to deliver these girls. I really hope I can make it and I really want to make it. There are many reasons I wish the babies cannot come earlier...

1) If they are delivered after 36 weeks, the chances of them not going to NICU is very very high which also means I can bring them home right after delivery.
2) I will have a higher chance of successfully breastfeeding the both of them although with Little Man, I still had to struggle for a good 2 weeks before he will latch on properly. I am very adamant that I can and will breastfeed my twin baby girls exclusively.
3) Albie and I haven't found their names yet so they really shouldn't arrive any sooner...hahaha
4) The longer they are in the womb, the bigger they get and we will have less medical worries when they are delivered.

Little Man is so excited. He is always kissing my stomach and snuggling up with me. He's also a lot more 'baby' now which Albie and I know is common. He loves sleeping in our room with us and I kinda have this feeling that he will be sleeping with us even when the babies are here...all 5 of us in our small little master bedroom.

We had to cancel Little Man's birthday party cos' of my bed rest. He's been a really good sport about it and just wanted a big birthday present. He truly is a good boy.

Over this weekend and the last, Albie and I did so much 'spring' cleaning though it's not spring yet. I call it my nesting instincts kicking in. All I want to do is get the house in order from top to bottom. I cleared out all of Little Man's smaller sized clothing and all the toys that he's never going to play again etc etc. Albie did a lot of yard work and Little Man helped with sorting clothes and basically just carrying stuff to me and putting them back where I want it to go. It was family teamwork and I must say we are almost 70% done. Just 2 or 3 more areas to work on and we should be ready for the girls and also ready for Little Man to go back to school. I cannot believe he's going into 3rd Grade already. It seems like only yesterday that he was a tiny little toddler not wanting to start preschool...

Can't sleep...acid reflux...

2010-08-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

I'm awake again at 3am. I'm tired but my sleeping positions are all no longer comfortable. Every position seems to give me different aches and the worst is, no matter whichever way I sleep, I still get acid reflux. I have no choice but to wake up and eat 2 tums and just blog away till I feel better and go back to sleep. I'm wondering if I am hungry too...perhaps some milk will help. As I type away, my black cat, Momo is pacing up and down the kitchen hoping that I will feed her at 3am in the morning. I am trying to restrain myself cos' I don't want her to be meowing at 3am every morning after. Plus, she still has some food left in her bowl but she's super picky. She wants her food fresh all the time. Annoying.

Bedrest...self-fulfilling prophecy...twins...counting down

2010-08-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

I have decided to simply just rest for the rest of my pregnancy (boy! that sentence does read weird written out). I have also decided to reduce all my pregnancy related readings. I have come to realise that my pregnancy readings have a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each time I read about a pregnancy symptom, I somehow unconsciously get that symptom. It's really kinda odd and yes, I read about this self-fulfilling prophecy thing from a Parenting Magazine too and the advice was also to reduce reading.

Little Man has been sleeping in our room for the past month now. Albie and I both tried to shoo him back to his room but we always end up feeling 'jello' and would give him a new dateline to move back to his own room. Oh well, we both concluded that soon, he will be too old and would probably never want to be seen sleeping with his parents again so let's just enjoy having this little boy around.

My baby girls are both very active in my womb. They twist and turn and does all kinds of acrobatic moves. I'm just glad they are active and kicking cos' it's a sign that they are striving at least. There's still many many things to buy for them before they arrive. Milk bottles, socks, crib bedding etc etc...I wish I can just go out and buy everything but knowing my Albie and his 'good' deals, I have to be patient and just wait. His 'good' deals really do save us loads of money which also means we can get more out of the same buck. This is the thing I miss most about living back home where the standard of living is much lower. Over here in the US, the quality of items are good but also expensive. Thank goodness at least the sales events are awesome...just need a lot of patience shopping here.

Awake n hungry

2010-08-11T01:54:00.001-07:00

I'm awake n getting hungry but it's still at least an hour to go before they will serve breakfast here in the ward.

I'm so glad I was able to sleep quite a bit last night. I was still awaken several times by the nurse but I must have been really exhausted cos I feel back to sleep very quickly. That is till 4am when I started to get cold chills n had to ask for extra blanket. After shivering to warm up for almost half an hour, I finally feel better but couldn't get back to sleep cos I'm hungry...grrrr...

Blogging from the hospital

2010-08-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

Never thought I would be doing this but yes, I am here at St Peter's hospital warded becaused my two little princesses are thinking of an escape route. I am spending my 2nd night here now as I blog. I won't go into the why and what the doctors did details cos' my brain is functioning at very minimum capacity right now. All I can think of is food but somehow, no particular meal comes to mind.

The nice nurse gave me a tuna sandwich and a hot decaffeinated tea. It wasn't the best but good enough just to keep my tummy full. I also took a small box of 2% milk...just in case.

Hopefully, I can get to go home tomorrow. I must say that besides the pain factor, my stay so far here is always like a hotel stay. I am just glad to put my legs up and just lie there. Maybe I have been doing too much lately. Poor Little Man, I have to find other means of keeping him busy now that I will be on bed rest when I get home.

26 weeks...more than halfway there!

2010-08-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know how the last couple of weeks managed to creep by me so quickly. I am now almost into my 27 weeks of twin pregnancy which also means almost the end of the 2nd trimester! Somehow, time just flew by as soon as summer started. I am saying all these in gladness.

The thing that bugs me right now in my 2nd trimester is waking up at 3am / 4am and not being able to go back to bed! The problem I feel is my restless digestive system. The moment I am awake, my stomach will start churning and I will not stop belching. I have so much gas in there, you will think I swallowed a tank or something! Ridiculous! The other thing that bugs me is my inability to bend. My twin girls are somehow positioned so high up on my belly that even when I was in my 4th month, I could barely touch my toes. Now, it's impossible to even wash my legs during my shower. I told Albie that very soon, he probably has to scrub my legs for me. He thought it's hilarious but I meant it seriously. He's been such a darling massaging my feet every night. I think it really helps with blood circulation and swelling which thank God, I have none so far.

So finally, we got our new car. Started driving it since Tuesday and we are very very happy with the minivan. Little Man is ultra excited and wants everyone we know to sit in our car. I kept telling my friends to humor him cos' somehow he has no idea that he will be stuck sitting in this minivan for at least the next 5 years!! Hahaha! They were all good sports. Driving a minivan does make me feel more like a mum...and I mean more like a older mom...sigh...I do miss my sporty Jeep...fat chance we will be driving anything sporty for a long while...hahahah

We also set up the baby crib last weekend. Slowly getting our act together for the 2 girls. I have a long checklist and with my nesting impulses setting in, I am getting all wired up. Perhaps that's why I am having trouble sleeping. And now with the planning of Little Man's pirate theme 9th birthday party, I am just going bonkers though in a good way. He's really excited and Albie and I really want his party to be special cos' it will be the 'last' party for him as an only child....oh, my Little Man is really not that little anymore...I cannot believe he's turning 9!!!

Anxious for new car

2010-07-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

When we got our last car, it was such an easy process. We saw an ad, went to the dealership, decide on the model we wanted and bang! we drove it home the same day. Unfortunately, this time, it took a lot longer than that to find one that is within our budget and has the features we like.

Oh how we have grown! From a small family of just 3 to a family of 5. All in less than 1 year. Everything we need has to be bigger and with bigger also means more expense. Albie will always add,"But all is good." He's very positive and I am definitely leaning on him a lot these days. My own pregnancy hormones are driving me nuts and every little thing that doesn't work the way I thought it would be will make me crazy. Not good for my two baby girls for sure.

We finally found a minivan from Volkswagon that comes with 2 DVD players, a backview camera, heated seats, bluetooth, MP3 etc etc. It has all the latest components that we want and at the price we want too. It was almost like God wanted us to find this deal cos' every other deals that we 'almost' signed didn't work out. With this deal, it just went really smoothly. Hopefully, it will remain smooth till we pick up the car this afternoon at 4pm.

God is always reminding me that He is there. He is always reminding me that He can make things happen for me and also not.

Sometimes it's a mystery....

2010-07-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, I got really mad and decided to be angry with God. Throughout my years of bonding with Him, I have never been this rebellious. Not even when I got a divorce. I stopped praying to Him but I never stopped loving Him and secretly, I always knew that He was beside me and I will always love him despite what I told anyone. I was disappointed with what's happening in my life but I always found a reason to blame it on human error and not his divinity. I blame myself too for perhaps not listening hard enough to his hints.

But couple of weeks back, I got really upset and told Him that I am not saying anymore prayers. I got angry with the fact that the more I pray, the more tribulations He bestows upon me. Like if I say, Dear God, please help me to be more patient..." Bum! He sends me a crying child who annoys the hell out of me. I said to Him during one of those very self-wary conversations that I have with Him," Perhaps, you are hearing me all wrong!! When I said patient, I don't want a lesson or a ride on a emotional roller coaster!" I told Him I was done. Like I am not going to ask for anything anymore. I don't need his intervention and his life lessons cos' I am just too damn tired to go through with it.

So, here we are now with a non-praying pregnant woman who suddenly has no one to lean on to. My balance is off and I really start to miss my conversations with Him. I can almost see Him laughing at my stupidity. I can imagine his smirk and his tender eyes telling me it's ok to come back to Him. I started to smile and right at this moment, I realised that I am more God-loving than I care to admit.

Sometimes, we all need to crack because that's how light shines through.

I'm exhausted!

2010-07-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

I feel more and more exhausted each day. My energy level needs recharging every 2 hours...having twins is really very different from carrying one. I get poked more perhaps cos' of lack of room....I need to go sleep on my bed now...

Getting ready for both of my baby girls...

2010-07-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

I am getting more and more excited and thrilled everyday thinking about my baby girls. Any prior thoughts of having boys totally vanished from my mind as soon as I started looking for baby girl stuff. I cannot remember the last time I even allowed myself to think of buying anything with butterflies, ladybugs or princess castles! I had my Little Man for like 9 years, well actually, 10 years cos' I started shopping for baby boy stuff when I was preggy with him. All I ever bought was trains, cars, robots and Power Rangers. Yup. Lots and lots of Power Rangers. Now I get to experience the best of both worlds! How awesome is that!

By law in the US, babies, even very little infant babies have to go home in an infant childseat so we started browsing for those first. We need 2 of everything so we are always looking for good bargains. Finally, on 4th of July sale weekend, I found it! Infant childseats with BUTTERFLIES!!! Then, we found the cribs. I was thinking of white at first but then changed my mind. White will just stand out weird in our room. We have cherry drawers and I like dark tones on furniture so we decided to go with cherry for the cribs too. The cribs were a good buy cos' it came as a combo with a changing table too so now we have 2 cherry cribs and 2 changing tables. Perfect.

Next, my friends kept bugging to start my baby registry so I went and started on that. Somehow, I got enchanted with Disney Princess items so I added the bedding collections, photograph books, a princess swaddle etc etc. I love it! I told Albie that I would probably end up buying those even before my friends snap it up. He started to laugh and said I am really enjoying my girly shopping. I told Albie that I want everything PINK! I am not even into yellow or any other neutral color. I went through all the blues with Little Man so now, it's time for mummy to have some fun!!

As eager as I am with my shopping list, I know we have to pace ourselves and buy a little every month. This month is for big purchases and next month, we can start with the little stuff like clothing, sheets etc etc although I believe those little stuff will probably add up to a huge tab too. Not to mention that we still have to get a new car and it has to be a minivan now. Car shopping is no fun! I hate the waiting and searching...I guess it's always harder and less fun when you are car shopping with a budget. It's just not the right time for the dealers to be desperate for sales yet. They usually only start panicking around September onwards when they feel the pressure to sell off the older models cos' the newer models are in. My Albie is a nutcase when it comes to a good deal. He never buys anything big unless the deal is like super good and I must say usually, he gets what he wants at the price he wants so I just have to keep my patience in check.

We went car-browsing twice and each time, I get so exhausted and stressed from it. All I want is a black or silver minivan! The dealers all love to play mindgames and my Albie is one tough nut to crack (good for us but drives me nuts!). No price is right in his mind and he will research and research like crazy so I told him after the second car 'shopping' that I am not going to the dealers with him anymore. I already test-drived all the minivans that I want so he can go and just buy the minivan and negotiate all he wants with them. I rather stay home and rest up with my big tummy.

It's also probably not the right time now to buy clothes for my baby girls cos' of the season. My baby girls will most likely be born near the end of October which means they will need thicker clothing for Fall/Winter for the first couple of months. It's Summer now so I will have to wait for the stores to change their stock before it will be the right time for us to buy.

2 Crib & Changer sets

2 Infant Childseats for the car

A Snap N Go stroller for the infant childseats

Getting a little dizzy from planning

2010-07-09T07:38:00.000-07:00

Little Man and I decided to stay home today instead of going to his last tennis lesson. I'm tired and he's not in the mood so we lazed in bed together after sending Albie to work. Our lazing didn't last long cos' once Little Man's stomach starts grumbling, my babies also started hinting with big movements that they want food.

After breakfast, Little Man head off to his comfy sofa and watched TV while I decided that I should start planning his birthday party. After an hour of exploring the internet for Treasure Hunt related birthday themes, I felt pretty exhausted mentally. I wonder...when was the last time I used my brain sooo much...hahahah

We decided to have his birthday party much earlier this year just so he will be able to have a Summer party in our yard. His birthday is on Halloween and it's always a little chilly around that time of the year which makes outdoor birthday parties hard. This year, with the babies coming in October too, I thought I should just do it in August for him. Little Man is so excited. We are doing a Pirate/Spongebob theme party with a treasure hunt for the kids. I have to start looking for loots, eye patches and pirate party stuff. I just hope I won't go over my budget...oh boy oh boy...

5 months 2 weeks and counting...

2010-07-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm more than halfway there!! Rejoice!! After a long morning sickness, I can finally say now that I am really out of that part of my pregnancy. I have never felt better and am loving the feel and movement of my two babies inside me. They are definitely a lively bunch!! They toss and tumble and just totally makes me giggle!! Just the thought of them makes me so happy.

Two weeks ago, we had our hospital sonogram and found out that we will be having twin baby girls!! It was truly a surprise and as the weeks pass, I know that I will not have it any other way. I feel that they are meant to be baby girls...Godsend.

181 days to go...

2010-05-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week since Monday but today, I have no plans so I am a little restless. There are some errands to run but it's always more fun when I am meeting friends. Oh well, perhaps I should go to the bookstore and find a good read.

There is a movie that I want to watch although not badly. It's 'Letters to Juliet'. After watching the trailer, I already know the storyline. But I still want to watch it cos' it's set in Italy and from what I saw, it's beautiful.

Bored. Must get my butt moving.

Eat, rest, sleep, eat, rest, sleep

2010-05-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

I reactivated my gym membership since May 1st but I have yet to go. My intuition says I should wait for another week cos' I'm still feeling poorly. All I have been doing is eat, watch korean series, eat, sleep. I keep telling myself that I should enjoy this leisure time but I am restless when I have little to do.

I started crocheting my first baby blanket 2 weeks ago and made very little progess since then. My eyes get droopy and I think I get nauseated when I do too many stitches in circles. Hahaha...

I am now in my 14th week of my pregnancy and I do feel better every day.

Good test results

2010-05-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

Nurse called today and said the blood test for abnormalities came back good. I didn't realised how worried I was till I heard the nurse's voice. A sudden leap of joy came over me and the first thing I wanted to do was call Albie...but he didn't answer...must be busy with work....

Got my boppy last night!!!

2010-04-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

After watching the movie, The Backup Plan, I decided that I want the boppy total body pillow that Jennifer Lopez was hugging to sleep every night. Well, that is till her boyfriend threw it out of the window. Hilarious! We went to Baby s rus on my birthday and Albie saw it and asked me I wanted it cos' it does look comfy. I told him about the movie (didn't watch it with him, went with a girlfriend of mine on a weekday..hehe) and I said it did look super comfy in the movie. The price tag on the pillow was over 50 bucks! Way too much for a pillow that just looks comfy and has yet to be tested. Albie, on the other hand, was confident that he can find a super good deal on the web so we left and sure enough, he did! He bought it for $20 less on Monday evening and it arrived yesterday! The estimated delivery time was supposed to be 5 - 7 working days but it came so much earlier!!

I was so exhausted last night that I went to bed at 7pm with my boppy, of course. The boppy was super comfy for my body but my head wasn't feeling that good. I think it's cos' the boppy is designed for you to rest on one side and when you move, you basically have to move the whole pillow plus your head. So I guess I was so tired that I just didn't move at all which explains the ache in my head. Also, I was so used to sleeping on my back. Anyhow, I am sure as my belly gets bigger, my boppy will be even more important.

Could this be the end of my morning sickness?

2010-04-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

Unlike what most people say about their morning sickness leaving just with a snap of the finger, I find my morning sickness to be more like a fading episode. It started out with a super great Saturday morning 2 weeks ago and just when I thought this is it, I started puking again the next day and the next and the next. Although the intensity of pukiness (if there's such a word) is less intense and my fatigue was also less pronounced. Little by little, I started to eat more and puke less. I am still tired and I still have gas and bloated feelings but I am beginning to believe that my morning sickness is pretty much done.

I am now officially 3 months preggy. Tomorrow will be the start of my 2nd trimester! I am so happy that I/we (we = babies and me) made it this far. Those weeks of intrusive needles, restlessness, pukiness etc etc are weeks I want forgotten. I haven't enjoyed my pregnancy thus far and I am determined to enjoy at least the 2nd trimester.

I am giving myself another week of leisure cos' I just want to be sure that my morning sickness is truly in the past. Then, I am going back to my gym to get my stamina back on track. I am hoping to walk on the treadmill for at least 20-30mins 3 times a week. I am not worried about gaining weight. I am more worried about being unhealthy. When I had Little Man, I did a lot a lot and I mean alot of walking. Not that I really want to but my job forced me to. My boss would always make me walk with him and he always tells me that I need to walk for the baby etc etc. Though at that time, I grumbled alot and found my boss to be a real ass but after I had Little Man, I was truly thankful cos' I was back to my shape within a month! Of course, the breastfeeding and lack of sleep also helped. Hahaha!

I have my 12 weeks appointment with the doctor this evening. I will be bringing Little Man with us too. I am very excited to show him the babies and I am hoping it will help him bond with them. I am praying hard that the babies will be healthy and strong and I will continue to have a smooth pregnancy throughout.

10 weeks 1 day...yippee!!

2010-04-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

I am counting down the days till 12weeks. Though I don't know for sure but I really really pray that my morning sickness will suddenly disappear when I hit the 12 weeks mark. I am trying as much as possible to relax myself so I turned on J.S.Bach this morning. Strangely, I always find Mozart too loud for me. Bach is my favorite and also Pachebel. You know what's interesting about the composers I like....they both have the same first name, Johann! (of course, they are also both German) I never actually linked the two together till today.

After my big lecture on Tuesday about school and laziness etc etc, Little Man got much better yesterday. He stopped wanting to watch the TV and when he came home yesterday from school, he did all his homework even the ones that aren't due yet. He even read a couple of chapters on his book. After that, we snuggled together and read more books together online. That's my Little Man. He is really so different from me when I was a child. I was really rebellious and hate doing schoolwork and has no interest in academics whatsoever. I started failing my spelling tests as early as Grade 1. But my Little Man, though a little mischievious, he enjoys school and always wants to do better. I admire those qualities in him. I always tell him how proud I am of him and when he finishes his writing, I am always amazed at his story-telling skills. I am one proud mama.

Weird dreams, allergy and a boy that doesn't want to go to school

2010-04-14T05:21:00.000-07:00

I have been having horrible nonsensical dreams lately. Well, it basically started when my pregnancy started. The dreams are usually unpleasant like once, I dreamt I lost one of my babies. The baby fell out when I was walking and I caught it in my hand. It was red and was the shape of a 8 week old fetus. I was scared and kept yelling for Albie. I woke up abruptly feeling hot and sweaty. I couldn't shake the fear off and it took me a while to go back to sleep. I have many other weird dreams and when I googled this dream thing, most websites say that it is very common for pregnant moms to have nightmares during the 1st trimester and it's usually because we are anxious for the babies' well-being and we fear the unknown. I do agree with this. On one hand, I am very excited and happy to have two bundles of joy but at the same time, I worry alot about finances, about how I am able to breastfeed two babies, will I have enough time to spend with all 3 of them including my Little Man, etc etc. As the weeks pass, I do feel more and more positive that we can make it work.

My Little Man has, in recent days, been trying to get out of going to school. He does have really bad allergies with his eyes puffy and his nose congested and yes, a bad back-drip cough to add to it. He came home yesterday and he looked terrible. I almost felt bad that he has to go to school but then again, when he's home, he will be super active and it's like he never had it so bad. He woke up this morning giving me a count by count of his allergy symptoms. Each time he blows his nose, he will tell me how bad it is or when he coughs, he will make it extra loud just so I can hear him. Not wanting him to use his allergies as an excuse, I gave him his allergy meds and insisted that he has to go to school. However, if he does feel horrible, he is to tell the teacher so he can be sent to the nurse and then be sent home. He relented and suddenly, you don't see him coughing or sneezing as much.

Little Man is definitely growing up and cos' of my morning sickness, I felt kinda disconnected with him. I haven't played with him much and on weekends, Albie is usually the one who plays with him. I feel really bad and just cannot wait for the MS to go away so I can be a mom to Little Man again.

My morning sickness remedies

2010-04-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for the trees to be done with their growing...I hate pollen and I hate it even more this year cos' I cannot take any meds to relieve my constant itchy eyes and my super congested nose. I am like a vampire during Spring time. I am so afraid to step outside. I look at my neighbours (they obviously have no allergy issues) and they are on their lawn chairs and chatting outside.Very envious it makes me and very annoyed too (not with them of course).

After stopping my pre-natal vitamins and my progesterone(I stopped 3 days earlier than doc advised...naughty naughty), I finally pooped like I used to!! Hooray!! It's no longer rocks and I am rejoicing!! In 2 days, I will have to start my prenatal again and I am a little worried but babies do need that extra vitamins so a mom's got to do what a mom's got to do.

I am 2 weeks away from my 2nd trimester and I cannot wait. I have given up trying to find remedies for my morning sickness. I have come to believe that not one thing really alleviates Morning Sickness during the 1st trimester. My advise is this:-

- When you have to puke, just puke. Don't try and hold it in. Just go and puke. You will feel better.
- When you are nauseated, just lie down, listen to relaxing music and try to sleep.
- When you are tired, just rest.
- Don't plan anything with your friends cos' you will not have any energy to last that long. 2 hours is the most I can do.
- Eat dry crackers and drink warm milk if you can. (yes, you may just puke it all out)
- Eat bananas (B6)
- Eat more fresh fruits and salads (cos' it doesn't leave a horrible after taste when you puke after)
- Avoid oily food (same after taste reason. Nothing feels more disgusting than puking oily food)
- Drink juices (I enjoy apple juice the most)
- Drink at least 4oz of prune juice everyday (really helps with constipation and even if you don't have constipation, prune juice has B6 which is supposed to help with MS. Snack on pitted prunes too if you are as constipated as me)
- Drink flavored water ( cos' ordinary water taste so bad after you puke)
- Drink ice-water with a slice of lemon (delicious and refreshing)
- Don't suck on candies (Many websites suggest that you can suck on candies but I disagree. Candies gives you lots of phelgm and makes your throat sticky and though it makes you comfortable while sucking the candy but after you are done, the puke feeling comes back and yes, you will puke again. Of course, unless you are like me and had to attend your kid's school concert. Suck away I say and puke after the concert is over)
- Don't chew gum (same as candies)
- Don't eat too much bread. (Bread makes you feel super bloated after and makes it very hard to puke)
- Eat sandwiches with lots of vegetables. (I personally love Subway's Turkey Breast sandwich with lots of vegetables and southwest dressing...I have yet to puke this sandwich out)
- Finally, listen to your body when you think of food. (You will be surprised that your regular choices are no longer your regular. If you listen and buy those food, they are usually the ones that will go down your stomach well. It's hard to explain but trust me, it works like magic.)

Well, basically, just puke away that 1st trimester. There's really nothing much you can do. Don't be afraid to puke cos' YOU WILL FEEL BETTER after you puke. During my first 2 weeks of MS, I kept wanting to keep the food down because I feel that if I puke so much, my babies will not get enough of the nutrients but now, I rather puke then eat again then to just hold it in. Holding it in makes me feel even more nauseated and bloated. Puking relieves the gas and makes me a lot happier too.

So PUKE away! I hope I am not going to be one of the unlucky ones that will have MS throughout my pregnancy...I am fainting just thinking of it. Sadly, many have told me that moms having twins are likely to have MS for a longer period of time...something to do with hormones and stuff...ah crap! Let's hope it's just bull!!LOL!

This pregnancy is driving me nuts!

2010-04-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is so not what I had in mind when I wanted so badly to be pregnant. I can almost hear the 'serve you right!" ringing in my head. My morning sickness is still there though less pronounced if I eat well. My constipation is still there too but since the doctor asked me to stop my prenatal vitamins for a week, I am slowly and painfully releasing 'rocks' (you get the drift). And just when I thought that things are looking up again, the maple trees starting to grow and pollens are now invading my breath! My seasonal allergies are back and it will take at least another week for it to go away (it really depends when the leaves are done with growing). My nose is blocked and I cannot take my usual allergy meds like Claritin or Zrytec. The only 'safe' med is Benadryhl and it doesn't help much and gives me a headache. AHHHHH!!!

I feel so miserable. Everybody keeps telling me that it will all go away after the first trimester but I am so afraid that I am one of those 'lucky' ones who will have MS throughout my pregnancy. Think positive!! Think positive!!

I am tired all the time and yet, it's hard for me to go to sleep. I have developed a strong desire for Sprite and I can eat fruits and salads all day but sometimes I crave for meat too. I am feeling super bad for not having any energy for my Little Man. I feel so tired all the time! He's definitely missing mummy-time. For him, I really really pray that all these unpleasant pregnancy and allergy symptoms will dissipate!!

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to go through another day. Amen.

Home?

2010-03-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

I read my friend's blog today and she talked about how she misses her home. I feel the same way. I am so sick...I am homesick and having morning sickness...that's how sick I am! Corny joke! Hahahaha!!!

I can barely believe that come August this year, we would have been here for 5 years already! 5 years!! We are now at this crossroad. With the crazy high-cost economy back home, we are not sure if we will be able to live comfortably there again. And with Little Man having gone to school only in the US from Pre-K all the way to Grade 2 now, we are really worried that he may not be able to do well in the rigid school system there or worse, he may not be able to catch up to the high academic standards too. Of all the things I dislike about America, I do like the school system here in this township that we live in. I feel it has a balanced curriculum and Little Man gets to learn alot of social behavior and life skills that are crucial when he comes out to the workforce. He gets to do sports too.

My close friend here is always a little annoyed when I talk about relocating home. She kept telling me that all I need is a vacation trip home and I will feel less homesick and might even to turned off by the prospect of moving back. Maybe she's right. Oh well, with my preggy stomach, I don't think I can do that anytime soon so it makes the longing even worse.

It also doesn't help when your friends post pictures of yummy Singapore cuisine on Facebook. Today, I saw a pic of laksa! Darn! I am so dying to have a bowl and no, it's not the same if I cook it at home. The taste will never be the same as eating in the hot and humid Singapore weather, sitting by the roadside coffeeshop in Katong.

And it sure doesn't help that I am so preggy now and am somehow only dying to eat Singapore food!!! I keep wanting to eat Hokkien Prawn mee from Clementi, Laksa from Katong, Fish Ball noodle from Parkway Parade, Fried carrot cake from Joo Chiat, Black pepper crab from Long Beach and DURIAN from the roadside vendor when it's in season. And not to forget SATAY and stingray from East Coast beach!!!!!!!! I am so salivating and fainting from pining! Darn...I need to stop thinking about it. hmpf!

A happy surprise!

2010-03-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today I heard the heartbeats of my babies. Yes, babies I said cos' we are having twins! Even though we expected it, it still came as a big surprise for us that we actually are having twins! Never in my life did I expect to have a pair of twins! Now that explains the horrible horrible morning sickness I am having! I just pray that it will pass after the first trimester and I am praying really hard that both the babies will grow healthily and the pregnancy and delivery will be smooth!

Morning sickness day 2

2010-03-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like puking every 2 seconds...my chest feels uncomfortable and each time I swallow, I hold my breath hoping the feeling of vomit will pass. It never passes.

I am so bored out of my wits. I cannot sleep well. I cannot do anything for long cos' I will start to yawn and my eyes will become heavy but when I try to sleep, the morning sickness makes me feel like puking. I am so bored!!! I can't even type properly...give up...just going to find something else to do now.

Morning sickness

2010-03-15T07:08:00.001-07:00

Arghhhh...start of morning sickness...blahhhhh....

5 weeks 1 day preggy

2010-03-11T05:34:00.000-08:00

I started having some cramps yesterday and was really worried for a while. My good friend here insisted that I should call the clinic and at least talk to someone when she picked me up for lunch. I was thankful she literally forced me to. I called them and press 10 for 'urgent matters' and after a long 5mins, one the nurse, Erica spoke to me. She's the same nurse that told me that I was preggy. When I told her that I am getting cramps, she didn't sound alarmed and assured me that it's very common and I may even see spotting and I should not be worried if I do. I was a lot more relaxed after talking to her. It's like a big 'whew!'.

This second preggy feels really different from my first one. I guess it's mainly because I am like almost 10 years older!! Age really does make childbirth harder I think. I remembered my preggy with Little Man was so easy. I was still going to work, doing a lot of stuff, not worried at all cos' I was very sure baby will be there and was just really strong. With this preggy, I feel tired all the time and I am also worried all the time. The biggest worry is if my babies/baby will make it.

Staying positive is what I am telling myself everyday. :) Fighting!!

Worries worries

2010-03-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

I had another blood test yesterday and the progesterone level came back at 680 which the nurse said was good. I tried researching on what progesterone levels mean but got tired mid-way and decided to just not read into it too much.

Now that I am preggy, I started to worry. Not for the babies too much cos' it's definitely not something that I could do anything about apart from resting. I am worried about our babies future. Even though I really want both of the babies to make it, in reality, I know it will be a big struggle for us financially. I will continue to pray. Praying keeps my mind off things that I cannot control and trusting Him makes me stronger.

It says in the bible:

"Whosoever trusteth in the Lord, happy is he." Proverbs 16:20

I shall trust so I shall be happy.

He also says:

"Be content with what you have, for God has said,"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So say with confidence," The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid." Hebrews 13:5,6

I shall be content for I will be given.

Preggy!!!

2010-03-04T04:31:00.000-08:00

Finally, I am preggy!! When I got the news yesterday, it felt really surreal. The nurse who called sounded so solemn on the phone that I was almost about to cry then she said,"No, everything looks good, you are pregnant." My first thought was...why oh why can't you deliver the good news in a happier tone?! Anyhow, she's probably so used to it by now. My progesterone level is 377 which I believe is a strong sign that I am indeed and really preggy.

Hooray!!

3 more days to baby news

2010-02-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

I am now counting down to the pregnancy test at the clinic. Albie already applied for leave even though I told him we won't know the results till later in the afternoon. Then on second thoughts, I guess it's better that he does. If it's good news, we will have a nice dinner and if it's unpleasant news, we will still have a nice dinner to console our spirits.

I cannot wait to find out!! Hopefully, both the little embryos will grow strong and healthy! FIGHTING!!

Finally...time for egg retrieval

2010-02-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I will go in for my egg retrieval at 11:15am. I had my last injection last night...woohoo!!! Now, I am really half-way there. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly. I cannot wait for them to transfer the fertilised egg back into my stomach and the baby can start growing inside me. I am so excited!

Little Man is excited too although he doesn't really understand half of what I am going through and we didn't want to explain too much to his little mind. We just told him that we are now in the process of preparing for his little bro/sis to come. He's thrilled and is so loving and caring towards me. Always asking me to rest up or take a nap. What a super kid! I love that kid so much!

Winter is dragging its feet to leave and we are all getting rather tired of the cold weather already. Can't wait for Spring to arrive!

Just hang on...it's a new year! New hopes and new dreams!

2010-02-14T04:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, hanging on is what I keep telling myself the past couple of days. Now, I am down to maybe just 2 more nights of injecting myself. I cannot wait for that to be over!! I am going to the clinic again this morning for another round of bloodwork and ultrasound. Hopefully, they will find my follicles to be in good shape and deem me ready for Monday or Tuesday.

Today is V-day and also coincidentally, Chinese New Year. I received from my Albie a bouquet of roses and also, surprise, surprise, he got me a V-day balloon!! Hahahaha...so hilarious, my hubby. I love it! He is really an awesome man. I always tell Little Man that I want him to be loving and caring and responsible like his daddy Albie. From the looks of it, I do know that this cheeky Little Man has those qualities inbred. I told Little Man that I really wish for our future baby to be just like him. Caring, loving, happy, cheerful, positive, handsome(he laughs and gave me a wink with thumbs up cheeky look when I said this to him), healthy, well-framed etc etc. He is really my gift from God. I cannot ask for a more perfect child in him. My Little Man is what I always tell him...the Best child ever!

I am full of gratitude at this point in my life. We may not be wealthy and our house is way too small, our car can be bigger, I have yet to get my degree but those are all material comforts. With what we have, we are already much more blessed than most. I look at how happy and loving we are to each other and I cannot ask for anything more except of course, to have a baby for Albie to complete us. I am so thankful. I am so blessed and I thank God and the universe for giving us so much.

6 days down, few more to go...

2010-02-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

I had trouble with one of my needles last night. I kept trying to insert it into my tummy but it just won't budge. So finally, after many attempts, I had Albie bring in another one and this time it went it without resistance. The drug that I have trouble with is Ganirelix. It's prepacked so I basically lost this 1 dosage. I really believe the needle is blunt. I am thinking if I should call the pharmacy and ask for a replacement. Actually, I wonder if they will. Anyhow, this is America so I expect very little. I will try but if they don't, I will probably just buy another one like what Albie says. It's too stressful to argue with them. Sigh.

I have another ultrasound and bloodwork today. Hopefully, the follicles are growing properly and are in excellent condition.

Halfway there...

2010-02-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight will be my 5th night doing IVF injections. I hate it. Honestly, hate it. I am amazed at how my dear pal can actually go through this routine 5 times! The bravery is to be applauded.

Each night as the clock gets closer to 8:45pm, my heart and my body starts shaking. I start feeling anxiety and as I prepare the dosages and the needles and what not, I can feel cold sweat breaking out on my palms and my pits(pardon the bluntness). And every time, it's injected, I will feel pain for at least a good 20 to 30 mins. It's not severe pain but all the same, it's awful and I hate it.

I have been told by one of the nurses that the injection on my butt will be even more painful! Ahhhhhhh....faint! I am not a needle person and me injecting myself for the past 4 days is one of the bravest things I have ever have to do in my life besides giving birth and breast-feeding Little Man for 8 months.

I cannot wait for the process to be over and for me to know that baby is well on his or her way. Little Man says if it's a boy, he will call him Ian and if it's a girl, Isabella. I do like the girl name but I am not too sure about the name Ian. Hmmm....

High cost of IVF fertility medication

2010-02-03T06:36:00.000-08:00

I finally got the call from the fertility pharmacy. I am actually quite pissed with my nurse for not returning my call last week and not acting on this earlier. The cost for the medication was a lot more than what we expected. Total cost came up to US$2485. With our insurance, we have a high deductible and we kinda knew that we will have to cough up almost $4k on our own. However, what we didn't expect was to make the payment in full by this Saturday. Oh well, it's something that we will have to do sooner or later I guess.

On the issue of my nurse, I am trying hard to tell myself that I shouldn't even be bothered with her lack of patient customer care. Having met her, we really knew she would be like that. Self-absorbed nurses are my peeves now. They make you feel like you are at their mercy and they are always telling you how busy they are. They are so important and we are not. A gentle reminder...we, patients, are what gives you your job! Not your bloody doctor! We pay for your services, mind you!! Is it so hard to even call us back to answer whatever queries we may have? Do you actually think we know your job? If we do, we won't be needing you yes?

Ommmmmm....I keep telling myself that I cannot be upset with her cos' if I do, I don't gain anything from it. I may capsule myself into an anger fit and in the end, lose my chance at having a baby. Nope. Not going to do that. I believe in Karma. What goes around comes around. If she treats her patients this way, someday, she will also get the same attitude when she needs help elsewhere. It's just how the world works. I believe in being kind and nice to people. Yes, even when they do not deserve it. Also, we don't know how they end up being the way that they are so I will not judge. I have to hold on to my belief about Karma otherwise, I will be consume with anger very often. America is really a totally different country altogether and getting used to their nonchalent and often, annoying one-man-for-themselves attitude is really hard.

So enough of my ramblings of that nurse. I have scheduled to pick up the medication on Saturday and hopefully, it will be a not-too-painful process. I cannot wait for the ordeal to be over and I can safely say that I am preggy. I have to remain positive and I am. Both Albie and I are very positive that it will finally happen to us.

Starting a new course in life

2010-02-01T05:51:00.000-08:00

I just bought my website domain last night. I am very excited about starting my online website selling my crochet items. Eventually though, I would also like to sell customised baby stuff. I have a lot of stuff in my mind and I am sure with time, I will be able to reach all of my goals.

I have to take it slowly cos' my number one priority is the IVF. I need to relax myself and control my sudden temper outburst! I have been so shouty at Little Man and Albie lately. It's hard to control it but I need to. I feel so suffocated sometimes and my chest feels so tight that I just feel like shouting makes me feel better. All these emotions and I haven't even started on my injections yet!!! OMG!

I want to go home

2010-01-25T07:22:00.001-08:00

Now I know what I really want. I want to move back home. After the IVF and after giving birth to the baby, I will want us to move back home. Home is where I want to be and I want to live in Bayshore again.

Finally I am on that Journey

2010-01-25T05:29:00.000-08:00

I have finally decided to blog about my IVF. Well, mainly also because it's really hard for me to blog about anything else when my anxiousness with my IVF is so prominent in my head. Everyday I get bouts of happiness, excitement, nervousness & grouchiness while waiting for the day of the implantation to come. I cannot wait for all to be done and for a positive test to be shown in the first week of March that will tell me that I am finally really pregnant. I cannot wait!! Breath...ommmm....breath....ommmm...I have to keep a calmness in me for it to work and yes, I am also very very aware that there is a possibility that it may not turn out the way it will.

On Jan 13, I met with my new fertility doctor and by Friday that week, I have already started my pill, signed the consent, attended a teaching session on how to 'poke' myself with the fertility meds, ultrasound and finally bloodwork. I am now all set and waiting for Feb 5 to come where I am supposed to have another ultrasound and bloodwork. Afterwhich, they will let me know when I can start my 'poking'.

Both Albie and I are happy and comfortable with this new doc. He is a lot more caring than the previous one and yes, he makes me feel like he does care if I will get pregnant or not. He makes us feel that we will be taken care of and when he looks at my file, he makes us feel that he is really checking everything. With this new doc, I found out that my eggs are actually smaller than the average size for my age group. It's not a lot smaller and though he doesn't feel it should be of any concern, he wanted me to know that he is giving me extra dosage of the fertility meds to ensure that my eggs are of good size. I cannot believe the previous doc did not tell us that. He obviously also did not count the number of eggs on the film. Anyway, oooooommmmm....I need my inner peace so I am just going to be happy that I found another doc that knows what he is doing. With this new doc, we are also more willing to try IVF.

In a nutshell, IVF is not a small sum of money so make sure you are comfortable with your doc.

Some people are toxic...

2010-01-22T11:49:00.001-08:00

I have learnt to not stay around toxic people/friends. They bring you down, they compete with you, they get jealous of your happiness, they are sarcastically friendly...etc etc. Ask me how do I know if they are toxic....I tell you how...whenever you meet them, you will feel anxious cos' you know they will say something nasty and usually, they will say something sarcastically nasty in a happy and super friendly way...like, wow! you lost a lot of weight...are you sick? People who says something and doesn't look you in the eye cos' their soul knows they are doing something wrong. I met a lot of these moms (well, not a lot but at least 3) here. It got to me at first but now, I have developed a layer of skin enough for me to ignore their remarks and also know to steer clear of them. It's important to surround yourself and your child with good, honest, happy people. If they are happy, more often than not, their kids will be happy too. People who are needy and feels the need to put others down because it makes them feel better of themselves, do not deserve our attention or our time.

Be happy always and stay goofy...life needs a lot of fun so that when you are busy with fun, you don't have time to spare for the toxic people in your life.

My Little Man - The Pinewood Derby Champion 2010

2010-01-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

My Little Man & his Pinewood Derby

I am estatic! I cannot even begin to tell you how proud I am of my Little Man and Albie. They actually came in 1st place!! I am super duper happy!! Albie, of course, did most of the hard work and he is so proud that his boy won! We even had a celebratory lunch today....what an awesome feeling!!

Restless day

2010-01-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

Today I feel emotionally restless. For the past 4 years since moving to America, I have been having this restless feelings pretty frequently. Whenever it comes, I will try hard to dismiss it. I say to myself, perhaps I am still getting used to the new environment. Perhaps I need to study? Perhaps I need to find a job? Perhaps I need to exercise? Perhaps I am lacking a hobby? Perhaps, I want to have baby no. 2? Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Each perhaps have prompt me to do something. I joined the gym and started exercising (I feel healthy). I took up knitting and crocheting again (love it! Still working on projects right now). I tried working part-time in a clinic for a while (scheduling didn't work out and my lady boss was PMS driven so it's hard to work for her). I also tried going back to school(didn't work out either...too boring). Anyhow, what I am trying to say is...I have tried many methods to try and get rid of this restlessness but the conclusion is...I have not found the cure.

Then today, just now. I realised a possible reason for my restlessness. I think I am homesick.
Everyday, unconsciously, I will think of my country. I will think of what kind of food I will be able to savour there and what will I be doing if I am right there. I think of the fun I will be having and my heart will ache quietly.

I am definitely homesick and I don't know what I can do about it. Perhaps a short trip home will be best. Sighz...

Hooray for my Star student!

2010-01-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

Today makes another happy day for my Little Man! He has been declared as the Star Student for this week! He came down the bus and can't stop talking about it. He was really excited and over the moon with joy! I am, on the other hand, super relieved with joy! Why relief you ask? Well, since school started last September, many kids (well, mainly his female classmates) have been declared star student and Little Man has been longing for that glory for the past 2 months. Every week, he will come home and be a little disappointed that he has not been selected. Each time, mommy dearest will have to dust encouragement shiny powder on him, wanting so badly to take that heartache of his away.

There are 24 kids in that class and eventually, every kid will get their turn. I am just glad that he got it in the first week of 2010. He feels ultra-special because of that. Little Man, Star Student of 2010! Even if it's only for 1 week, I think he will feel special for the whole year!

He got home and said he cannot wait to tell Dad so he called him at work and now, we are having a celebratory dinner outside in a fancy restaurant tonight. (Not that fancy when a kid is choosing...know what I mean...what do they know?! Little Man thinks McDonald's fancy!!)

The last time I checked with Little Man, he is still deciding on our dinner location. OMG! I really hope he doesn't choose KFC or McD. :S

Dream a little dream...

2010-01-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes lyrics can stuck in my mind and no matter how I shake it off, it won't go away. It doesn't annoy me that much but it's interesting how our brains work. We remember things randomly and memories pop up just like that.

I went to the supermarket, saw some hairy melons (I have no idea what it's supposed to be called) and my first thought was this delicious dish that my mom and grandma always cook. I felt so homesick and bought it immediately, promising myself that I will try and master this dish later in the week. After much procrastination, I cooked it yesterday and it turned out good...not great like my mom's but good enough to put some of those homesickness to rest. Having made it once now, I am sure I can make it even better the next time round.

I went to Walmart today, saw Subway and I, somehow, always picture the Subway that I always go to in Singapore. The one in the basement of Raffles City (or whatever it is called now).

I see dogs, and I always remember my old dog, Ruffus.

I see a Thai restaurant and I remember Krabi. I miss it so much that I actually googled Krabi and searched for the hotel that Albie and I stayed in when we first started dating. It's still there but renovated and looking better than ever. I said to hubby,"Do you think we will ever go there anytime soon?" He looked at me and we both know the answer.

New Year always makes me melancholy. Makes me wishful and dreamy. Makes me extremely homesick.

First post of 2010

2010-01-01T05:32:00.000-08:00

Albie & I stayed up till past midnight on New Year's Eve to see the ball drop in Times Square on TV. It was pretty amazing and though we've been here for 4 years now, we haven't actually stayed up to witness this before. This year, for some reason, we are so exhausted from housing guests from Christmas that we completely didn't plan anything for New Year's. I guess New Year Day has never quite been as important to me as Chinese Lunar New Year so maybe that's why.

I really wish we can go back home for Chinese New Year. All the festivities and of course, family and friends that I do miss miss so much. But alas, we will just have to wait till 2011. Next...er...this year, Albie and I have decided that we will focus on something else that needs more attention and cannot wait any longer. This is the year. We will make it. For now, I will only disclose so much cos' I am afraid that we will again put it off and I don't want it on my permanent record...hahahaha...anyway, resolutions are for others right! *Sniggers*

Little Man tried to stay awake till midnight but at about 10pm, he told me,"Mommy, can you wake me up later? I am just going to take a nap." I told him I will and before I could say another word, he's snoozing. My little man...all 8 years old of him. All 68pounds of his weight slummed on the sofa with his left cheek flat on his favorite pillow and his butt sticking up in the air. It was a hilariously sweet moment for Albie and I to watch. He's so full of life and so full of joy and laughter that it makes the carrying of 68pounds to his bedroom all seem worth it.

15mins to midnight, we tried 2 attempts to wake up the snoring little giant but he shifted and grumbled and shook his head. Oh well, we thought, better to let him rest. Then this morning, a loud crying child stomped into our bedroom at 7am in the morning, screaming that we didn't wake him up and big fat tears rolled down his cheek. I should have tried harder he complained. I made him miss it and now he has to wait a whole year for the next one. So, there you have it. What can a Mom do?! I guess my learning conclusion is that I rather have him grouchy and sleepy last night waking up and watching the ball drop with us then to have a crying child on New Year's Day. What a way to be up in 2010!! By the way, Albie didn't move an inch, he slept through the commotion and is still sleeping now as I blog away, my first blog of 2010. (he's nursing a cold so I will excuse him)

For 2010, I wish for happiness, good health, prosperity and good luck for our family. I wish for all a wonderful and joyous New Year! New Year gives new hopes and new dreams. May all your dreams come true!

December 2009

2009-12-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

It's December again. That time of the year that makes you wonder always at how time really flies. Where did the months go? Why is December always the month that makes one ponder at the inevitable fact that we are indeed moving on to another year?

Believe it or not, this is our 4th winter in America. Albie and I are still in shock at the number 4. How did we survive the last 3 winters? We then applaud ourselves for having made through it. America is a tough tough country to live in. I do miss home alot especially during the festivities. I miss the familiarity of shopping in Suntec City and going for elaborate dinners with friends and family. I miss working in Singapore too. Ironically. Life here is always unfamiliar. I wonder if we will ever get familiar.

December is also the time of the year when I start thinking about what I want to do with life. Life is such a big scary word. It's like playing the Game of Life board game. I am now at the Stop sign where I am supposed to choose Career path or family path. Do I want to have another baby or just go back to work? In the board game, I chose the family path and I gave birth to a baby girl. Hilarious! But I do wish for that I think. Though I know in reality, I probably cannot simply choose and be granted.

So here's to the last month of the year! Whether you like it or not, next year is coming and we need to move on and not look back.

Cub Scout - what a wonderful thing for a boy!

2009-11-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

I signed Little Man up for Cub scout in the beginning of Grade 2 this year. Even though I had my doubts in the beginning on whether it was a good decision, I am now 100% sure that scouting is good for him. Well, it's especially good for Little Man cos' he's an only child. The activities that they do and the things that Little Man gets to participate in are in each a great experience and also a great learning experience I should say.

They recently had a Den meeting on how to fold an American flag. I mean, honestly, if not for scouting, where else would Little Man be able to learn stuff like that from?! He can read about it but to actually physically participate in a raising the flag ceremony, now that's good learning and exposure. With cub scouts, it gives us something to do as a family every week and though I did complain initially that it's a lot of work (seriously a lot of work), I am beginning to see the good in the program now. We also get to do charity work, fundraisers and walk in the town parade during Thanksgiving. Come February, we will all be going Camping! I have never camped before and to have some kind of guidance, it's wonderful. Such a city girl I am...sigh. I feel like I am learning so much through raising my Little Man. All the things I didn't get to experience when I was living in a city, I am experiencing it right now with him.

I am thankful that our cubmaster and den leader are both very spontaneous leaders and keeps the pack going. I have heard of some packs that are poorly organised and has made many turn away from scouting. I am just really glad our pack is really together and the parents are really nice. If you have a boy, definitely enrol them in scouting and make sure you participate too cos' the club is not going to run itself...and yes, it's a lot of work but you see the good in it too. Trust me.

Celebrating Albie and Little Man's birthday

2009-11-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks and I realised that I have not updated my blog for sooo sooo long.

We celebrated both Albie and Little Man's birthdays last week with a short trip to Atlantic City. Yup, my two boys (Daddy and son) have birthdays 2 days apart which makes October one of my favorite and busiest month.

For their birthdays this year, I baked them a Halloween pumpkin cake and also knitted each of them a scarf. I am so proud of myself for being able to give them both something homemade or mommy-made as my Little Man says.

The blue one is Albie's and the red one (Little Man's fav color is red) is Little Man's. I am now spending most of my free time on crotcheting or knitting. I love this hobby! My current project is an Afghan blanket that I want to make for the living room. I also crotcheted a beanie. It was meant for Little Man but it was too red so it actually looked good on me instead...lol.

Alrighty, 30mins left till Little Man comes home from school which means I only have 30mins left of me-time left...better go enjoy it!

P.S. Thanks friends for your concern...I am all better now but am careful with my diet. Will blog about this new diet I am on next.

A bad case of gastric

2009-10-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

2 weeks ago, I had the worst bout of gastritis. So bad that I had to be admitted into the emergency ward on a Saturday. I only started eating solids 5 days ago and now I am so shaken from the experience that I know I have to eat better.

Little Man & his nightmare

2009-09-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Little Man woke up at 6am this morning and came rushing to our room. He was sobbing badly, saying,"Mommy, I had a nightmare." I got up and quickly gave him a big hug. He then got into bed with us and I don't think any of the three of us could really go back to sleep after that. In the dark, I started to wipe away his tears with my hand and cocooned him into a tight bear hug. I can tell he must have been really upset with his dream to be sobbing. Loud crying is pretty common with him but this...hmmm...must be a bad dream indeed.

Little Man being Little Man shifted and moved a zillion times and finally, after half an hour, I told him maybe we should just wake up early and get ready for breakfast. I made him one of his favorite breakfast, Omelette with mushrooms and cheese, along with a nice glass of milk.

In his dream, Little Man said 2 big men were throwing real bombs at him. He managed to ran away from the bombs but it was really a close shave he said. Those 2 big men then told him that he is lucky this time and they will get him next time.

That is one scary dream. My poor Little Man.

Working out

2009-09-24T05:36:00.001-07:00

For the past 2 weeks, I have been diligently going to the gym 4 days in a week with my new gym buddy. Well, she's a friend to begin with (yes, she always reminds me) and we used to see each other at the gym and was introduced by mutual friends. Now, it's only the two of us working out...I don't know what happened to the rest of the moms. It seems the only time they appear is when we are having a breakfast or lunch gathering like later today.

Today, we are all meeting to have an Indian buffet. I was looking forward to it but having been so good and healthy the past 2 weeks, I don't really want to eat the buffet now. :(

Time to get ready for gym...

Fig plant

2009-09-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

Last week, my nice neighbour who lives next door came by with a small pot of fig plant. It was such a nice gesture. We have been neighbours for almost 1.5 years now and this is the first time I actually talked to this lady. We did wave to each other in passing but I always assumes that she's working and is hardly home. Turns out, she is not working. She is just out a lot cos' she has a lot of elderly relatives to care for. She told me what I need to do to keep the plant alive and halfway through her explanation of green science-ness, I was lost and at the end of her care instruction, I decided to tell her that it is very very likely that the fig plant may not last through winter with me but I will try my very best to keep sustaining it before we need ER. She laughed and said she never expected me to keep the plant alive and that's just how it is, you just keep gardening till you know how. She has 'killed' many plants in her journey to greenhood.

We said goodbyes with me promising to cook something nice for her and her husband next time. I brought the Fig plant (I think you eventually call it a Fig tree) into my house and was for a moment, dumbfounded as to what I should do with it now. Finally, I brought it into my backyard and just left it there. Hopefully, this little guy will last through winter. (Crossing my fingers!)

2009-09-19T17:54:00.001-07:00

Lord Alfred Tennyson's words of wisdom:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Cub Scout

2009-09-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Little Man is going to his first Cub Scout meeting this evening. I can't wait for him to put on his uniform!! A while ago, I was just ironing on his pack & den number onto it, getting it all ready for him. He's going to look sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!! (hehe, he's eight now and I don't think he likes me calling him cute anymore but yes, he's going to look soooo cuteeee!!!)

Julia Child inspiration

2009-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to watch Julia & Julie, the movie. The movie was slow but inspiring. In one of the scenes, Julia was crying because she received a letter from her sister telling her that she's pregnant. Her husband, Paul was hugging her as she sobbed continuously. In between her sobs, she said that she is happy for her and went into bigger tears. At that moment in the movie, I feel so much for her. I knew she's truly happy for her sister and I also knew the pain she's going through from not being able to have the same kind of happiness for herself.

That's exactly how I feel when people tells me that they are pregnant. I am, inexplicably happy for them but my heart will ache.

Today is also the day that I have decided not to proceed with IVF.

Starting the IVF process

2009-09-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yup, that tiny dash of hope is indeed dashed yesterday. Period came..boo-hoo...the funny thing is even though I know it's going to come, I cannot help but still feel so disappointed when it does come. It's so utterly annoying. Slap self in the face for being a dreamer! Ouch! As I picked up the phone late last night to leave 'the' voicemail for my fertility clinic informing them of my first day of period, I remind myself that this is what has to be done or I will regret it much later on.

The nurse called this morning to give me further instructions on what I should be doing next and I am glad she did cos' now I feel like I am on a mission. Yes, we are doing this. We are.

Just come already!!

2009-09-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for my period to come. Strangely, this month, I didn't feel any PMS but I kinda know it's coming. Usually, by this time, I would have given myself some false hope and reached for a pregnancy predictor but this month, I told myself to just wait and not waste $10 bucks on a pee stick.

So here I am , restless waiting cos' I cannot wait to start the IVF process. I just want to get the process going and then, be it successful or not, Albie and I can move on to the next phase of our lifes.

Little Man said to me the other day," Mom, the baby is taking sooooooooooooooooo long to come!" I totally agree with him but I explained that God sometimes takes his time to plan some things and maybe the baby is not in his plans for our family right now. Damn, sometimes, I just wish the baby will come already so we can all have happy endings in our lifes. That would be my ideal life.

Baby arrives, daddy gets a promotion and a huge pay increase, we move to a bigger house, drive a bigger car, have more money, Little Man gets all As in class, we get our green card, we fly to the moon and come back to reality...

Or we can just be happy.

Bootcamp Disney

2009-09-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

Since we came home from our once in a lifetime Disneyworld vacation, everyone has been asking me how we liked it and if we had fun. My answer is always this...going to Disneyworld theme parks is like going on a walking bootcamp. No kidding. The amount of walking we did at the parks is amazing.

As for Little Man, his primary interest is the pool back at the hotel. He's not interested in the parks at all and my poor little guy is just going through the motion of going to the parks with us. Then, I said to Albie," Honey, this is soooo wrong?!" We envisioned a crying boy refusing to leave the theme park at the end of the day...everyday but we are sooooo soooo soooo far from that image that we had. Throughout the trip, Little Man would asks,"Why do we have to be here(Disney parks) so long?, When can we go back to the hotel?, I cannot walk anymore, I think I need to rest, can we go back now?, Do we have to go there?" It was like we are forcing him to go to Disney!!!!!! My answer and my only answer will always be. "Son, we paid $648 for the theme parks and we are going through with it no matter what." And, when that doesn't work for the 100th time, I would remind him that he's the one always complaining that he is the only one in his 1st grade class that has never been to Disneyworld. With that reminder, he will usually respond with a "oh, yeah."

If I knew what I knew about Disneyworld, I would never have brought him there till he reaches at least 10 years of age. He's 2 months shy of being 8 and being a boy, Disneyworld doesn't offer as many little boy choices as they do for little girls. Little girls the same age will love to be a princess, mermaid, fairy etc. Little boys just don't have the same many options. I really wish they have a dress up for Power Ranger or a Power Ranger ride. Unfortunately, what we got a 15mins Power Ranger appearance. 15mins!!!!!

I have a lot more things to say about our trip and I also have a lot more tips on doing Disneyworld which I will blog more in my coming entries. If Disneyworld is like a once in a lifetime family dream vacation like ours, you may want to stick around.

Having said all the negative, I must still say this...Disneyworld is still a must-see, must-go destination and I am glad we got to do it this year.

Mummy & son time

2009-08-27T05:28:00.001-07:00

4 more days to go...cannot wait!!!!!

What a busy couple of days! So glad to be home today and resting. Since it's the last week of summer before we head off to Disney, I decided to go exploring with Little Man. You know...just to spend some mummy and son time. I took him to the Turtleback Zoo on Monday and who knew it would be this fun!! I loved it and Little Man loved it too! The zoo is not big but they have very nice and interesting exhibits and plenty of resting spots too. We got to feed birds on an ice cream stick covered with seeds and also see barn animals up close. The most memorable part was Prairie dogs and also this big fat pink pig that was just lying there in the barn. It was hilariously sad I think.

The next day, I drove us 1.5 hrs to the Please Touch Musuem. It's a children's musuem in Philadelphia and it was FANTASTIC! We had sooo much fun! It was unbelievable. After seeing this, I really feel that we should have a similar concept back home...oh well, there must be reasons why there isn't any.

2009-08-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

7 days to DisneyWorld!!!!!!!!!!!!

Counting down...

2009-08-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

10 more days to Disney!! Woohoo!! We cannot wait! I think anticipation is probably the most annoyingly exciting part of going on a holiday. You know you are going but you got to wait 'forever' to get there and then, in a second, you will be home and wondering how did the trip go so fast!?!? Oh well, such is life, good times are always gone the fastest.

I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up but Little Man is a super early riser and once he's awake, there's just no point in me trying to get back to sleep. So, here I am, a little light-headed from lack of Zz.....

Some friends are just there to keep you going

2009-08-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for all the friends that have been in my life at some point. Some shared happy memories, some shared sad ones. Some friends just came into my life to teach me a lesson and be on their way. Interestingly, those friends are the ones that you hold on to in your memory for a long time to come.

Right now, I have a dear dear friend who, in about a month, will be relocating to a different state. Some eight hours from us now. She is a nice lady that I met when Little Man started school here last year. She lives on the next street and has 2 wonderful boys that Little Man loves to play with. During the course of my short 1 year friendship with her, she has taught me how to make a vegetable lasagna, how to navigate around the new school system here, how to use shopping coupons at different supermarkets and most importantly that material comforts are nothing as important as having a happy family. She inspires me emotionally and also religiously. She is a faithful Catholic and not by title only. Every time I meet her, I will feel very positive and inspired to be a better wife, mom & person. She has impacted my life tremendously and I am so sad that her family will be leaving us soon though at the same time, I am happy that she and her family will be starting a new life together.

She is definitely a friend will that keep me going...and I will sure I will always remember and treasure her friendship for many many years to come.

2009-08-13T06:10:00.001-07:00

Growing up, I do put a lot of blame on my parents/friends/sisters for the actions I take or have taken in my life decisions. Looking back, I also realised that I justified a lot of, if not,all my runts and actions based on that same theory too. Everything I did was because someone or something forced me to. But now, looking back, I know that all those actions or reactions are my own excuses and my own choices. Your life is your own canvas, you decide on the brushes, the color of your paint, your type of paint and most importantly, what you wish to paint. It's all your choices. Yup. It's all your choices. Period.

Being a mom with a growing boy is a truly a life-learning experience. Everyday I feel like I am growing with him. When he learns something, I learned something too. It's a humbling experience and it's not easy. It's not easy because I do feel embarrassed at times and other times, my ego is so bruised and achy that I want to vent but cannot do so.

Every decision a parent makes for their child is under scrutiny. 'You mean you let your child watch this 'program'? 'You let him play with guns and swords?' 'Did he say thank you?' The list goes on and I think every mom knows how it will never end.

Recently, Little Man, with all the playdates he's been having for the summer, is on the edge of being on the 'wild' side. Instructions get harder to be heard. Emotions and temperaments are also harder to fathom. It's not unlike any other boys I am sure but at the same time, I am anxious to be 'bonded' with him again. It's moments like this that makes me ponder if I will also be that parent that he will look back and blame all his life choices on. For not giving him proper structure in his life formation years and for not grooming him to his full potential.

That's when it occurred to me that every parent really just wants the best for their children but a lot of times, lack of knowledge and learning are what fails them as parents. We do not stop school just cos' we graduated. With that thought in mind, I have decided to learn as my child learns, to be embarrassed as he will be, to accept failure as the key to learning and finally, to really embrace faults as part of parenting and self-grown.

That's how I want my parenting to be like. What a tough job it's going to be!

Disneyworld here we come!!

2009-08-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Little Man is thrilled and very restless waiting for the days to pass till we leave for Orlando, Florida which is also the home for Disneyworld and Universal Studios. Every morning, he will wake up and cross out a day on the big calender I have on our fridge. He will strike off and count the number of days over and over again, you know...just in case he missed counting one day off. So, we are down to 19 days till Disney. (I just checked with him before putting the number down on this page so it should be correct...*sniggers*)

Little Man is also saving all his allowance for his 'awesome' shopping spree at Disney. We have been warned...things there are super expensive. I personally cannot believe we are really booked to go to Florida. Albie and I have been talking about making this trip eversince we knew he will be posted to work in New York in 2006. It's like a wish come true for all 3 of us. Now, Little Man will quit telling us that he's the only one in his class who hasn't been to Disney!

2009-08-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it only takes a moment to understand something that may have blinded you for a very very long time. When that moment comes, you realised what you may have done or not do and a sense of regret or sadness may overwhelm you. I have had many of those moments and I call this moments, growing up.

Alone again

2009-08-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

My mom left for her home yesterday. When we woke up this morning, there was definitely a sense a sadness and quietness. For the last 2.5 months, we have had guests in our house. It's a long time and in a lot of ways, I am really glad to be back on our own routine again. Towards the end, even my Little Man was asking for alone time with me. It does feel good to have our groove back.

All I want to do today is to spend some quality time with Little Man and then, cook a nice homecooked meal for my hubby. Not sure yet what I'll make. That I will think about when I go to the Supermarket later.

Housework can wait till tomorrow. For today, I am just enjoying the peacefulness of having my house back to myself again.

Baby names

2009-07-16T16:47:00.001-07:00

Out of the blue, Albie asked me if I liked the name Abigail. No way I said! No way! He asked why and I said, cos' it reminds me of a really unkind and fat girl I knew when I was in my teens. So no way. I cannot imagine my baby being called that. No offense to other Abigails. This is strictly a personal preference.

By the way, for the record, I am not pregnant. Yet.

When I am 50...

2009-07-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

On July 4th, we just threw a surprise birthday party for our friend who is turning 50 years old this coming Thursday. We had a Luau Party for him and decorated my entire backyard to look like Hawaii. It was a lot of sweat but everyone had a lot of fun.

Since the birthday party, the turning 50 years old questions kept popping up my mind...

1) Will still be in America?
2) Will I still be living in this house?
3) Will Little Man be in college or finished college?
4) Will I be working?
5) Will the world still be nice like now?
6) Will I have enough money for retirement?
7) Will Little Man find a good girlfriend/wife?
8) Will we be worrying about baby no.2?
9) Will I regret not having baby no.2?
10) Will I still be friends with my friends now?
11) Will I finally open my shop?
12) Will I be sickly and all wrinkly?

....the list goes on and on and on. I have no idea. Nothing is certain but nothing is too ridiculous to dream of. Let me dream now...let me dream...

The days pass too quickly...

2009-07-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I feel this sudden need to be busy all the time. Then, every so often, I will dread the parties and wish for some peaceful, lazy days. Since Little Man's last day of school, we have been busy every single day. We went for a short trip, went to the beach, had way too many playdates and grill out with friends and neighbors. It was exhaustingly fun! I think it's time for some rest & relax this week.

I told Little Man that starting this week, he needs to pay some attention to his violin and do some summer reading. He looked at me like I was CRAZY...he said,"But Mom, it's summer!!!" I looked at him and said," That's right! Summer is not for bummers, son!" HA! Good retort right! Little man looked at me sadly....so I told him it will only be a short 2 page schoolwork a day and he will probably finish it within 2 mins. He thought about it and realised that what I said is probably true and right. That's my boy...:)

Moving on

2009-06-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

It took me a long 2 weeks to get back to 'normal'. The sense of loss and disappointment hit me harder than I thought. I really didn't expect such an overwhelming sadness and now I am just glad that the feeling has passed and I am ready to soldier on.

What will be, will be. Not much one can do about it.

Unfortunate

2009-06-09T12:02:00.001-07:00

IUI didn't work.

Some updates

2009-06-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy busy week and half. I finally ovulated on Memorial Day and had my IUI scheduled for the following day which is last Tuesday. Everything went smoothly with the implantation it seems and we are now waiting to know the outcome by this Sunday or so.

2 of my aunts came yesterday from Chicago and my mom will be arriving today at 10:30am. When I saw my aunts at the airport...I was sooooo emotional and kept crying. I guess I was really really happy to see people from back home.

Alrighty, time to get ready to take that long drive to JFK to pick my mom up...it's really not that long...alot depends on the traffic...I always think it's between 1-2hrs drive.

Can't wait to see mommy!! YAY!!

Keeping up

2009-05-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling sick the past couple of days and yesterday, my Albie took the day off to look after me....such bliss. Sometimes I will look at my Albie and kept thinking to myself how lucky I am to have found him. He's really the man of all man in my mind and I am forever thankful to have a hubby like him.

Okie...enough mushy stuff...

Can't wait to do my IUI...it's my fifteen day and I am still not ovulating yet. I am anxious and I am praying a lot for God to take care of my health and give me a healthy baby....

Tooth fairy needs to work again

2009-05-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Today, Little Man came down from his school bus and said,"Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I wasn't 'surprised' cos' he does his 'surprises' pretty often. Some days I will be able to guess it, other times, I will really be surprised. I put on my 'curious' and 'surprise' face and asked him,"What do you have for me this time?" Little Man showed me a little yellow toy treasure box then he opened it and said,"My tooth came out today, Mommy!!". "Yay!!" I said. I truly was surprised and am so relieved that his shaky tooth finally came out. It was bothering him a lot dangling on his gum and I was bothered and worried too that his growing tooth may not grow nicely out. We did a little dance and hopped home.

When we got home, he asked for his Alligator tooth treasure box and we placed his fourth tooth safely inside. He was so happy then sad for a while cos' he then remembered that he lost his third tooth. So even though it was his fourth tooth, in his treasure box, he only has 3. I gave him a hug and told him that at least, now we have a story to tell about the 3rd one. He laughed and said,"That's right! Mom! We have a mystery!"

Time to think

2009-05-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

I realised that without a doubt, I am always falling sick. Always. Damn! Now I am ready to do something about it.

Will it happen?

2009-05-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

I got sick again this week. I came down with a really bad case of sore throat and I felt feverish the whole of yesterday. My neck aches and whenever I lift my head up high, it hurts. I probably got a case of bad inflammation on my tonsils again. I could feel my whole neck really swollen and fat.

So with whatever little energy I had, I boiled a big pot of homemade barley water and kept drinking it the whole day. It's a good thing Little Man likes barley water too so the both of us were just drinking and drinking it the whole day. I took some cold medicine and I do feel a lot better today. I do really want to get well quickly so that I can do the IUI. I am really worried now that they will not let me do it. I will try to call the nurse today and see what she thinks.

Is it really meant to be...this baby? :(

All flushed up!

2009-05-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day of taking clomid. Everytime I take it, I get all flushed up and red-faced. It usually last for about 30mins to an hour and in between, I have to take lots and lots of ice water. Gosh! Let's see, I also have this urge to munch on something. I am not sure what I feel like eating but I just want to have something in my mouth. On Friday, I ended up not really eating dinner but instead, snacking on ice pops. When Albie came home that day, I was so bloated that he had to cook instant noodles for his dinner that night...poor baby...

Now everyday I am just waiting for the implantation day to come. It's nerve-wrecking and exciting at the same time.

My Little Man, on the other hand, isn't doing too well with his allergies. He is coughing constantly now cos' of the allergy and the tree pollens are super high the past couple of days. I really shouldn't have let him play outdoors on Friday but keeping indoors is hard when the weather is nice and cool out. It's even harder when his friends are playing right outside.

Can't wait for the season to pass...

So sad...

2009-05-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

I am sooo sad and disappointed today. My mommy's trip has been postponed to....I am not sure when. Oh well, it can't be helped. Natural causes like the Swine flu is not something anyone can predict. Now, I can only pray that things will get better soon and this swine flu scare will pass as quickly as it came.

When I was talking to my sister earlier, I felt this big combustion to cry...I think I really do miss mommy.

Lazy mommy

2009-05-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I actually had one of the best Mommy's day ever...doing absolutely nothing. Yup. I did nothing the whole day. On the contrary, my dear Albie did a zillion stuff. He bought me a nice breakfast in the morning while I laze in bed - Turkey omelette (with lots of jalepenos, green & red peppers & mushrooms) topped with salsa, a bowl of fresh fruit and a nice cup of hot coffee. He even bought me a nice bouquet of fresh flowers. After breakfast, he set to work on the lawn mower then on the leaky roof. I am just so happy that the lawn is cut and the leaky roof in the sunroom is leaky no more. It's funny cos' with every item that he fixed, I felt like I was given a present. Knowing that our lawn mower is now working makes me happier than having a new necklace or earrings....hahaha! Albie also kept Little Man busy so I get to do what I wanted to do...which is nothing...:)

It was the second day of my P so I was really satisfied to laze at home, read my book and just rest my body. I told Albie that I really like having to do nothing on Mommy's day. On this day moving forward, I want it to be my official rest day. My 'do nothing' day. Honestly, I don't want to dress up and go out. I don't want to have parties with friends. I don't want to have to talk. I don't want to have to shower in the morning. I just want to....REST. And rest my Albie gave me.
I am one satisfied mommy.

Today, I went for my ultrasound and bloodwork early in the morning. Everything went well and the nurse called me around 1pm to tell me my next steps. I have to start my fertility medication (Clomid) on Day 5 which will be this Wednesday and then continue taking it for 5 days. I will have to go in again on next Monday for another round of bloodwork. Then after the 5 days of medication, I will start using the ovulation kit. Once I am tested positive for ovulation, I will call the clinic to schedule for the IUI to be done the next day.

I am sooooo excited...a little worried but very very positive. Baby no. 2!!! YAY!

How are we going to handle 2?

2009-05-06T05:54:00.000-07:00

I am now anxiously waiting for my period to come so that we can begin our quest for baby no. 2. It suddenly dawned on me that it's very very possible that next year this time, I will be caring for 2 kids. O.M.G! I am so nervous just thinking about it. Everybody I know has been really supportive and reassuring, saying that it will come naturally etc etc...and I will have no worries cos' Little Man is much older now and I will get a lot of help from him etc etc. It's definitely reassuring but not nerve-settling. I guess I will never really know how it feels to have 2 kids till it actually happens to me.

Most importantly, I tell myself is to make sure I read, read, research & research some more on having 2 kids. I am really bad at listening to people but books, I have no problem listening to experts' who has done their share of research. Having said that, I have to correct myself that I do listen to people but will usually research on what they said afterwards. I am so glad my mom will be here in 13 days. Yes, I am counting down. I can't wait to have mommy with me. And now, I also found out that my dad will be coming towards August!! YAY! Having my parents with me is like having an extra shot of feel-good vibes. They are the only ones who will be genuinely happy for me and genuinely supportive with no strings attached.

I love you, mom and dad...

Anticipation

2009-05-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

So much anticipation. So much nervous energy.

My life as a mom here in the US is really a busy busy one. I always wonder if I will have the same kind of 'busi-ness' should I be back home. Yes, the month of May is a busy one and we will probably be busy all through the whole summer.

My mom will be arriving in 2 weeks and then in 3 weeks, I will be, hopefully, doing the IUI. Then, come 1st week of June, 2 of my aunts will also be joining us for a week. I foresee a lot of activity and also a lot of fun! I can't wait and they always say that anticipation is what makes the wait more fun.

Little Man is home with me again today. It seems like his allergies are turning more into a cold now so I actually switched his medication to a cold/allergy one instead. Guess it's time to make some chicken soup and rice to make him feel better.

Allergy

2009-05-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Little Man and I both went for a skin allergy test yesterday. Though our full allergy report is not ready till 2 weeks later, the doctor was able to tell us our major allergies. Both mother and son are super allergic to tree pollen, some flower pollen, dust mites and guess what...cats and dogs too. The good news is we both do not have any food allergies. Whew! At least one less big problem to worry about.

Our allergist is very adamant that in both our cases, only allergy shots will truly help us. He is skeptical about all other treatments and thinks that we should really consider doing it. Want to know more...check out this web link:-

http://allergies.about.com/od/allergyshots/a/itxbasics.htm

I am not sure I am ready to commit myself or Little Man to endless shots that no doubt hurts a lot. While we were in the clinic's waiting room, I had the opportunity to speak with many nice folks. Some have been doing the shots diligently for years and others are new to this like us. The one conclusion I have on my discussions is.....the injection is awfully painful! Guess what... if you have both indoor and outdoor allergies, you will have to endure 2 shots each time. The good news is they all say they do feel a lot better and they do see the difference which is why they kept coming back even though it hurts like hell.

I am super squeamish about needles. They are no friends of mine. Imagine having to do it myself and also convincing Little Man to do it as well. It's crazy! I think I'll be crying way before he cries.

So, the doctor gave us some nasal spray and eye drop prescription and we left. As I was driving to the pharmacy, I think I could hear the needles' evil laugh...

IUI next...

2009-04-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Albie and I went to the doc again. This time, after knowing that we didn't start IVF, the doc didn't seem that thrilled to meet us. His reaction confirmed my suspicion. My fertility doc is definitely in it for the money. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't rude to us or anything. He was polite and still friendly but you can sense his disappointment.

I asked the doc if we can start on Clomid (fertility medicine to increase my egg count). His answers were all 'sure, you can try but...' That was his way of telling us that apart from IVF, everything else is really really low in chance. Anyhow, Albie and I kept saying we would like to sought other fertility treatments other than IVF. Doc finally relented and said we should try IUI instead. He explained IUI to us and then gave us instructions as to when we can start etc etc. We made some small chat after and then left to talk to the nurse.

IUI is definitely a less less less stressful method of trying to conceive. I won't have to be injected everyday or take super expensive medication. We spoke with the nurse and she happened to be the same financial Manager I spoke with the last time when I explore IVF. She's in charge of insurance coverage etc etc. She remembered me and was surprised that I didn't go ahead with IVF. I told her my fears of the needles and also the burden of forking out so much money all at once without guarantees that we will really conceive. She nodded and said she understands my reasonings very well. She looked through my insurance again and told me in a quiet voice that IUI is equally good and she has seen a lot of patients who conceived through IUI. Then she added that IUI will only set us back $425 so we don't have to worry about the money part. When we heard her say $425, both Albie and I looked at her and each other in shock. $425?! That's it? Why didn't the doc tell us this last November?! We could have done it several times over!!

Albie looked so relieved. Me too. Even though we have insurance coverage and enough money to cover IVF, we both knew that doing IVF would mean only having 1 chance. Just that 1 chance cos' we know we will not be financially able to do IVF again should our only 1 chance fails. It was a lot of pressure seeing thousands of dollars being spent without any guarantees. You can say we are really practical people. We have our Little Man to think about...activities, college, etc etc. I won't want Little Man to miss out his life just so we can make another life. Little Man comes first and baby no. 2 will be God's will.

As we were leaving the clinic, we both felt really positive that May will be the month. I guess with the pressure of that '1 chance' off, we both feel like...ok, if we don't succeed, we can always try again and again and again. Then of course, we really hope it will just be that 1 time.

I am really looking forward to May now...can't wait to have our baby no. 2. I feel so ready for this baby...:)

Restless

2009-04-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am feeling restless today. I always get this feeling when I listen to mandarin songs. Sigh...

I feel like I need to do a lot of things before I get preggy again. I feel like I want to go back home before I commit myself to being a preggy mom again. So restless and my heart longs to go home.

Sigh....